Back in 2001, a bunch of us in our block decided to come up with our own block newsletter and the “Balance Sheet” was born. It had a few sections that we named in accounting terms – revenews, expendifeatures and sundry accounts. But my favorite part would be the longest article, written by me. The class prophecy. It was titled in accounting lingo, too, and rightly so.
Worst Case Scenario
March 26, 2013
It has been 10 years since I stepped onto the stage of the Brebeuf gym to accept my diploma. 10 years since I proudly donned my shining gold medal for loyalty award, only to have my four-inch stiletto heels give way beneath my weight, causing me to tumble down the stairs infront of a crowd of shocked onlookers and have my head crack on the vivid blue concrete floor.
Ten years…but it seems like only yesterday. And why not? For as my skull coliided with the floor on that fateful graduation day, I lost my consciousness and never gained it until today.
Mayette shrieked upon seeing my open eyes when she came to visit today. She seems to think that this calls for a major celebration – a class reunion. Uh-oh. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. I think I wanna slip back into a coma.
Mayette was dead serious. How else would you explain the crowd of expectant faces gathered around my hospital bed and, did I mention, small hospital room?
But I don’t wanna be branded as a killjoy here — that’s Joy’s title. Joy. Whatever happened to that girl? Oh — there she is. AT least they tell me that’s her. She doesn’t bear any resemblance to the Joy I knew before. This woman had blue-streaked hair, matching ice-blue eyes, and facial skin as smooth as a baby’s heel. She wore a dress made of net-like material with a fluffy feather boa wrapped around her body to cover sensitive spots. They tell me she is now the richest woman in the country. Wow. I guess penny-pinching really pays off. And is that Jason by her side? Oh well. Stranger things have happened.
Mayette, by the way, is a successful business woman. She now owns Safari corn snack and is a major stockholder of Avon, Smart, and Globe. Great things do start from small beginnings, if you know what I mean. She is also Asia’s nightingale, having released twelve albums so far.
Her former business partner, Zenie, was kidnapped along with her husband as they went on their honeymoon in their hometown. When her husband was beheaded infront of her, she threw a rampage and killed all her abductors. From then on she sought vengeance and formed a rebel group of her own. She’s somewhere in the mountains right now. Go, Zen!
Gay – sweet, innocent, simple Gay – couldn’t come to visit. She’s currently behind bars for setting fire to Mindpro Citimall. Apparently, the burning down of her boarding house back in college left an imprint in her psyche, and being too nice and good all these years has not been good for her. One day she just snapped and went on an arson spree. She did manage to save 1,061,745 Pol Sci books, though.
Another person who snapped is the ever silent Rogelio. Ryan apparently had one too many heartbreaks and vowed to kill all women who have caused nothing but pain to the men who had the misfortune of falling in love with them. He leaves a tiny toon toy at each murder scene, earning him the name of “Tiny Toon Platoon Serial Killer.” Right now he’s on the NBI’s top ten most wanted list. Good thing I haven’t done anything that would make me land on his list.
Just then, a shadow fell across my bed and looked up into Carl‘s face. Or should I say Attorney Rubio, defender of the poor innocent trees? When Carl won a case against a logging company back in 2008, that was his first major break. He put up his own Plant Trees Law Firm as well as a duck farm. His company’s slogan? “Mga nuay man kamo konsensya! Porque kamo takorta pono?” Motto: “A whisper is louder than a shout.”
Seeing Carl dislodged a barrage of memories from my psyche. I asked the first question that popped into my mind right then: “Where’s my team spirit?” I could not help but pity poor Ronald when I heard his story. Our block’s “snatcher” had gone on to ace the 2003 CPA Licensure examination. HIs perfect score had aroused suspicion and caused him to be investigated. Sure enough, they made a shocking discovery. Nald didn’t cheat, of course not! He was actually an alien! Suddenly, everything made sense. Yet not, somehow.
Nald was whisked away to a top secret laboratory somewhere in USA to be observed (not dissected, I hope). Our blockmates tried to rescue him, but even Lester and his scientific skills proved futile. Dex, as he likes to be called, made a major breakthrough. He discovered a way to clone himself so now there are two of him — one for Alenah, one for Rona, thus ending their eternal threesome.
Speaking of those two, Rona bends over me, smiling. But as she lays her hand on my arm, a shadow of the unknown flits over her face. I ask what is the matter and she tells me that she has just had a premonition — a backward one, it seemed. She saw my accident ten years ago. Turns out that once, as she looked for Lester in his lab, she accidentally knocked over chemical X and it drenched her to the bone, giving her a “third eye.” She could now see ghosts and other supernatural beings and even get premonitions. Due to this, she was given her own TV show uncovering such horrors called “Oy Mdeim.”
Alenah, on the other hand, also dabbled in Lester’s lab and made a discovery of her own. She was able to invent a time machine which she used to combat her perennial habit of being tardy. But unfortunately, there was a glitch in the machine, trapping her in a time warp. She hasn’t been able to return until now.
She wasn’t able to attend the double wedding of Cathy, Tyne, Austine and Junjun. Junjun and Cathy? Talk about unexpected. I was also surprised to hear that the couples, who didn’t seem that close before, decided to have a joint ceremony. But then someone explained that they had worked together for the same modeling agency after graduation and had grown somwhat close there. But what shocked me even more was to find out that each girl was married to the wrong Mr. Lim. How did that happen? On the day of their wedding, both brides wore heavy veils with their matching gowns and couldn’t see, much less be seen. Austine, as usual, was really late and upon his arrival six hours later, everyone was in a hurry to get the thing started and in all the frenzy, the brides got switched. And since the brides’ voices sounded the same, their mates only realized the mix-up only after the “you may now kiss the bride” and they lifted the veils to gaze into the shocked faces they uncovered. Too late. Anyway, divorce is gonna be legalized really soon and it won’t be long before the right pairs will be together in wedded bliss. And this time, I will be there to witness that happen. Still, Tyne handed me a souvenir of that comedy of errors, one they had saved just for me. She told me Cathy had made it personally. I wasn’t at all surprised to find a bottle full of stars in my palm.
Tyne’s bestfriend Helen Mae had gotten married to the president of Germany. Cocoy, realizing too late what he had, ran off to Germany and abducted Helen, ltterally carrying her back to the Philippines (this was no problem at all, considering the size of those muscles). This enraged the rightful husband, and he waged war against our country. The United States, as always, stepped in to give our weakling nation a helping hand. Helen of Coy, whose face launched a thousand vintas, also launched a thousand missiles — and started World War III. Wait a minute. Why does this story sounds family? Hmmm…
Anyway, this terrible war apparently affected the boooming businesses established by other persons in the block, such as Carlo‘s Chinese take out food and Pamela‘s beach resort. Carlo has 127 branches of his business all over the country, giving Chowking a run for their money. And Pams has finally decided to let her hair down and leads her pack of lifeguards at her own beach. She was abel to buy it with the money she won from joining “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
A good thing, though, that Jenny‘s CPA review center was not affected too much. They say she has just finished writing her 16th reviewer book and that she feeds her students tempura every night. “It’s brain food. It worked for me!” she tells them gleefully. She also gives plus five points to the first person to pass his paper during exams and even encourages them to race.
Thank God the war finally ended a year ago. Unfortunately, it had to be at the expense of a dear friend. Nobody was winning the war, so the Philippine leaders, with the help of the Americans, came up with a plan. They gave a “peace offering” to Germany — it was none other than Rodel. The Germans were skeptical at first, but later they accepted him. Turns out that millions of microexplosives were implanted on the body of this “Trojan horse,” all set to go off at a designated time. They did, blowing the entire Germany into smithereens. They had to redo the world map. Of course, the vessel of the bombs had to suffer the same fate. Poor Dengs. May he rest in peace.
These events were faithfully recorded by Tupe in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. He became its editor-in-chief. All was going smoothly undtil he decided to revolutionize the paper by converting everything to tagalog. This was obviously not a good move. It angered the PDI loyalists, causing them to march to EDSA and stage People Power IV. He was ousted from his position. Not about to admit total defeat, Tupe put up a bisaya paper of his own called “Kahayag.”
He’s not the only one whose perseverance is inspiring. The most diligent and persevering soul in our block before, Arlene, has put her perseverance to the test. She has joined Survivor 14: the Antarctic Outback. It is the 28th day, 8 survivors left. Will Arlene be voted off next? Or will she freeze to death first? I wonder how she’s doing? They say she’s the only one who can catch seals and penguins for food. They are attracted by her banshee-like shrieks and once they get near, they’re history. They have also learned to appreciate frozen rice. Brrr.
And speaking of TV and films, guess who starred in the newest blockbuster hit, a remake of “Blue Lagoon”? Who else but the local version of Brooke Shields, our very own Lynette. They said she nearly drowned in one scene because they miscalculated the depth of the water. They completely forgot that she wasn’t as tall as the original Brooke.
Hearing all these stories being told made me feel really pathetic somehow. Who wouldn’t, after realizing that everyone has grown while here I am, having no story to tell, asleep for 10 years? But then I saw two things which cheered me up a little. The first one was Jeng busy barking into her cellphone’s receiver, an eyebrow raised, one hand on hip, impeccable in her business suit. She is now mayor of our city. The other was Chu, fast asleep on the couch, oblivious to the noise in the room. Poor thing must’ve been up late last night, uploading his ever popular internet porno website. I guess some things never really change.
Well, basically that’s it! Any ideas on how to get rid of all these people?