What I Miss

Last night I saw green mangoes being sold in a Thai grocery shop, so I bought one. Once home, I peeled and sliced it and ate it with Philippine bagoong (fried shrimp fry).

While eating, I remembered that before I left my home country the Philippines back in 2008, when people asked me what I would miss, my answer was this – green mangoes with bagoong. It’s one of the most popular snacks back home, and was my favourite for years.

Well it turns out there were green mangoes in Singapore. I was worried about the wrong thing. In the end I didn’t even crave for green mangoes all that much anymore, and I ended up missing things that never even crossed my mind.

So this year, when people asked me: “What will you miss when you leave Singapore?” – I knew how to answer better.

“I don’t know. Because you won’t know what you’ll miss until it’s gone.”

Well, now I’ve left Singapore so I guess I can answer your questions, guys. Are you ready?

Well, I’ve come over during special circumstances – the middle of a pandemic – so what I miss is a mixture of Singapore and normalcy, I suppose.

At the top of that list is my friends. I miss being around people I know well, and having lighthearted conversations with them.

I miss having lunch with my teammates and even our collaborative work discussions. Before I left, I had been with the same teammates for 5 years, and we worked really well together. While my current teammates are nice, it’s not the same dynamic.

Though I love having my own flat and the independence that brings, I miss having flatmates to watch movies or have Moscato nights or go to the park with. I wish I could still have my own flat but be next door neighbours to close friends. If only that were possible!

I miss going to the cinema. I used to go at least once a month. I enjoy crowd reactions to movies.

I miss going out to restaurants with friends. It’s more fun to eat with other people because you can order more dishes for sharing and you end up being able to try more food.

I miss cheap online shopping. Over here the cheap stuff are in Chinese, and also for some reason shipping is expensive. Maybe I just don’t know where to look.

I miss cheap hawker food. Here if I want cheap food, I have to cook it myself.

But I can overcome everything else except that first thing, really.

For years, I’ve been single, but I never felt alone because I was always surrounded by friends.

But for the first time in my life, I feel lonely.

For the first time in my life, I have no friends.

I thought I was fine since I have the internet and can keep in touch with friends abroad. But I guess it’s not enough.

I’m sure I’ll eventually make new friends here. I always do.

I just needed to document this here so that someday I will remember, the same way I documented similar feelings I had when I first moved to Singapore.