“I’m 29 today. I won’t see 30.”
This is how James starts off the film. Right away it strikes a chord in me because that is my age at this moment. How would it feel, to have to say that? “I’m 29 today. I won’t see 30.” Suddenly I want to berate myself for panicking about turning 30. It’s lovely to reach 30. Not everyone gets the chance.
James goes on to introduce the other important characters in his life, who have all come together to celebrate his birthday – his last one. His three life long best friends Davey, Bill and Miles. His sister Chloe, who is taking it pretty badly but tries to hide it. His parents, who keep a brave face but… no one should outlive their children. Then he utters the next line that tugs at my heart.
“The sickness may be mine but the tragedy is theirs.”
Barely five minutes into the film and I am already in tears. Great. Just great.
The rest of the film is about a trip to James’s favorite place on earth, Barafundle Bay. His best friends give him this wish… and all of his wishes, as it turns out, in the end. The trip is no easy one, no simple road trip. They actually had to hike up these mountains while pushing their things, and sometimes James, in a makeshift cart. At some points they lose some of their possessions, including the cart, so they have to carry James. As I watched them doing all these things for their friend, tears slid down my cheek in appreciation of their love for him.
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| The boys ride their makeshift cart downhill in a moment of exhilaration |
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| “Favorite time of day? Dusk and dawn. That magical hour when the light changes.” -Benedict Cumberbatch (in a real life interview, not in the movie) |
I came undone at the scene with the fireworks. His friends had the idea that since James liked looking at the stars and “dancing in the cosmos” that they would put on a fireworks display for him. So they do just that and as the sky lights up, so does James, in that way that people do when they are in genuine awe of something beautiful and spectacular. I just knew what he was thinking then – “My God it’s beautiful. I’m glad I get to experience it one last time.” It was a true testament to Benedict Cumberbatch’s acting skills that he was able to convey this much with merely his facial expressions. I cried for him. And I cried for his friends, who did this for him.
While there’s a lot of laughter among them, there are also tension-filled moments, some even ending up in fisticuffs. James tells off his friends, telling them that he is angry at them for living a life that is watered down. “It’s not about the cards that life deals you, it’s about the hand that you feel safe playing,” he tells Davey. James get his own reprimands, though, from Miles, who reminds him that he only started writing his novel when it became too painful to stand up. “You never finish anything.”
Despite all setbacks, they eventually do manage to reach Barafundle Bay.
And they’re all happy as they enjoy a romp in the water until that night, when James springs something on them. “Tomorrow I’m going to swim out into the middle of the bay and I’m not coming back. I know the enormity of this and I am asking you to let me swim,” he says quietly. “No!” is their instant indignant reply. He tries to reason with them, saying, “Gradually I’ll slip further and further into thinking solely about pain, and that’s not worth living for.” Davey recounts with, “Everytime I saw your family, I would know that we could have had you for another day, to say goodbye properly.” James tries to dissuade him by saying, “That’s just it, there won’t be a better goodbye than the one we just had. I have never been so alive and now I want to end it. I want to finally finish something.”
This does not convince them. His screams of pain later on in the night does the trick, though. And the movie ends with a really really really really really heartbreaking last shot.
No wait, that wasn’t the last shot. The last shot was of the sky dotted with stars, and a voiceover of James saying his final heartbreaking piece:
So I raise a morphine toast to you all. And, if you should happen to remember it’s the anniversary of my birth, remember that you were loved by me and that you made my life a happy one. And there’s no tragedy in that.
I couldn’t seem to stop crying after that. The movie made me think a lot. I keep flashing back to that moment when James breaks down and confesses:
“I don’t want to die. I want more time. I want more time. Take any of your pointless, consumer f***ing lives. I was going to do so much. I was going to be special.”
I’m 29 today. I won’t see 30.
If that were true, would I be happy with my life right now?
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