Birds with No Manners

The birds in Singapore have no manners.

That’s right – birds. Those small animals with wings and feathers that fly in the sky and talk to Disney princesses and help them get dressed and stuff.

I’m no princess so they don’t treat me well.

Last December during my brother’s wedding, I spotted a small bird flying close to the chapel ceiling and my biggest concern was that it would crap on me and ruin my hair or makeup or dress or shoes or the entire wedding.

I have a reason for my weird fears.

You see, that was never my issue before I moved here. Back in the Philippines if you so much as breathe while you’re near a bird, it would fly off in the flashiest of flashes.

Birds are afraid of humans there, as they probably should be, because they could hurt them, and oftentimes do. Little boys use slingshots to hit them for sport. Big boys use more advanced methods to trap them and paint them in bright neon colours, stuff them in cages, and sell them to little boys outside chapel doors.

I don’t think they do that here. I don’t know if there is a law against it, but there’s one against picking the fruits off public trees, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they had one that protected birds too.

Thus, the Singaporean birds have no reason to fear humans. So they shamelessly hang out near food courts and swoop onto tables to eat food left unattended.

A friend once told the story of seeing a guy leave his untouched food on the table to go buy drinks, only to come back to a meal that had been pecked clean by birds.

I was once having a meal in McDonald’s Scotts Road when a little girl’s cry rose over the din, prompting us to look in her direction only to see a bird ruthlessly attacking their burgers while the mom was at the cashier counter.

I felt sorry for the girl, so I approached the table and tried to scare off the bird with sweeping motions and shooing sounds. It just cocked its head and stared at me. Omg.

It finally flew off when my hand came dangerously close to its beak. Philippine birds would have been gone the moment they saw me approach. Or even the moment they saw the little girl do.

I could never hurt a bird, by the way. Or a cockroach. Or a monkey, but that’s another story.

Anyway, there is a food court near our office, where we almost always eat lunch.  We like to eat outdoors because of the cool wind, soothing water fountain, and less noise.

But we hate it because of those damn birds.

There have been one too many times when we were happily chatting and eating when suddenly – plok!

And someone had to rush to the bathroom to get herself cleaned up.

Meals and clothes and wristlets and appetites ruined by those damn birds.

I finally had it last Friday. Jemma and I were just about to sit down with our trays full of lunch when – plok! 

A damn bird ruined my Coach wristlet which had been gifted to me to replace another wristlet that had been ruined the same way.

I rushed to the bathroom and managed to wash everything off my wristlet and clothes and hands.

But I couldn’t wash it off my appetite.

So enough is enough and since then we have decided never to dine outdoors again.

Too bad, I really loved the feel of the wind and the sound of the water.

But I fear those damn birds even more. I fear them more than that damn bee which flew into my iced lime tea last Saturday.

I am the opposite of a Disney princess.