Sorry, I Don’t Talk to Countries

My cellphone rang, flashing another yet unknown number. When I answered, some guy started talking to me in what must have been Mandarin. I told him I did not understand and he must have the wrong number. I expected him to put the phone down. Instead, he continued, “Philippine?” I said yes, and he went on to ask me, in halting English words, if I could be his friend. I gritted my teeth. Not another one! But I politely said okay and asked him what his name was and how did he get my number. He said in halting English words that he did not understand English all that well. I replied, “So how are we supposed to understand each other? Goodbye.” Yeah I know. I can be quite bitchy sometimes.

If I had been in his place, I would have gotten the point and stopped. But not my newest non-English speaking buddy. Apparently he misconstrued our conversation to mean that I wanted to pursue this friendship. So the next day he texted, saying that his name was Myanmar. I wanted to tell him, “Sorry, I don’t talk to countries.” But I restrained myself and ignored his texts and calls instead. It’s bad enough that the last guy was named Nine, a number. What is it with these guys’ parents anyway? Lately I have had to put up with a lot of local strangers calling or texting me, asking to be my friend, saying that they had gotten my number from some friend they refuse to name. If I ever find out who that “friend” is… so help me Lord.

One night I’m reading a book in bed when my cellphone’s ringtone startles me. Myanmar again. How is a girl supposed to get some peace around here?? Finally I got this brilliant idea on how to chase him away. It had worked with a bothersome texter back in the Philippines. I pretended to be my (nonexistent) boyfriend and texted him, “Please stop sending SMS to my girlfriend.” That’s how they term it in Singapore – SMS and not text. The guy in the Philippines had stopped bothering me after that, and I expected the same thing to happen with Myanmar. Instead, he replied: “I don’t have a girlfriend.” Toinks!

His last text (and I so hope it is the very last one ever!) is the winner, though: “I am very miss ever time in my heart.” Right. Whatever that means!