High School Class Prophecy

CLASS PROGNOSTICATION
(bet you don’t know what that means. Hehehe!)

PUBLISHER’S NOTE:
This is a spawn of fiction (baloney). Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s weird imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dying, flying or crawling, and events, or locales is entirely coincidental (*eherm*). BUT if you feel like burying yourselves in delusion thinking you’re the person I’m talking about then go on. Deceive yourselves. Gag yourselves with a spoon. It’s the best retreat from reality.

1. Rogelio (rogin—E): this tranquil, peace-loving person acquired the mannerism of throwing peopie out of an upper-storey building window due to too much suppressed emotions. Currently confined in group therapy session somewhere in the States. Was almost successful in his accounting business until he accidentally mistook a bottle cap for his contact lens. His hand and eye coordination was totally damaged. But I heard he’s making progress. He can now count his fingers closing his eyes. It’s a start.

2. Heidee (Haidu): after being exposed to too much fairy tales, Heidee developed the idea that Snow White, Sleeping Beauty; Pocahontas, Belle and Ariel were deluded princesses. She firmly believed that they did not live happily ever after because they all married the same guy — Prince Charming. She was so intense in her discovery that she’s now in the Supreme Court vying to buy the rights to re-edit these literary works.

3. Keith (kitty): Keith, with his distaste with most women, devised, using his high intelligence, a new way in how to recreate man without retracing the steps of our ancestors. He developed Spontaneous generation or Abiogenesis. He constructed special chambers, with dark moist rooms equipped with soggy carpets, festering animal composts believing that in time, organisms will germinate and evolve into something resembling the human being.

4. Ira (Ratan): Just released her new day-view album “Nursery Rhymes” featuring the hit revival “Old McDonald had a farm!” With other songs such as “I have two hands” and “The left and the Right”, Ira has been on tours yet was deported from India due to her offensive single “You need some Roll on Man” (sung in the tune of “I. Wanna hold your hand”)

5. Kaye (Katrina — I know you hate being called by this name, let me say it again KAAAATRIINA!!!): KK became the world’s famous photographer. Her great pictures of all sorts of heinous events; such as the aerial shot of Prince Charles while nature was calling him, were spectacular. Her profession went well until she started taking self-portraits. People say she’s pretty and all that but she doesn’t believe that. Photographic evidences convinced her that her camera was possessed by an evil spirit. Until now she is up in a retreat taking yoga classes and trying to exorcise the spirit away from the camera and until then she must meditate.

6. Raquel (raqui): Raquel’s extensive research in the culinary arts was far-reaching. She has concocted thousands of recipes all easy to cook. She was so good in cooking that people hailed her to be the Kitchen Goddess. Her great success was credited on her personal culinary philosophy which can he summed up in three words: Just Add Water.

7. Peter (pee-tah): Just won therole of Rizal in the New Musical version of Rizal: Sa Dapitan atbp. where it is mandatory to wear ill-fitting tight leggings with polka dotted tutu. The background is set on a very native theme where tribal men are also prompted to wear skimpy loin clothes and thongs.

8. Felicia (flea sya): Flisha now writes a column at a local newspaper called “Back and Forth” where her topics ranges from the intense pain of a slug to the different ways to have fun while opening an umbrella. Her use of language is so fierce and so rapt that people find her works to be heart-wrenching and also wholesome.

9. Janine (juh-neen): After years of perfecting the arts, Ja decided to follow in the steps of Picasso — destroying ART! But unlike Picasso, Ja has gone overboard in salvaging it. She has gone burning her works to crisp and setting aflame the whole French Louvre where most of the world’s greatest art works are kept. She is now missing in action. If you have witnessed the sightings of this person please don’t hesitate to call Bantay Bata Hotline.

10. Imelda (marcos): Joined her friend Heidee in her quest of justifying fairy tale characters. She’s working on a thesis on people’s misconception on stepmothers. She strongly points out that stepmothers are just trying to train the damsels to be independent and all, and that without them, they wouldn’t end up in their places right now.

11. Jur (dzur): Engaged himself into a lot of national soccer competitions. With his pretty good build, which he usually shows off to great advantage in sleeveless shirts, spandex shorts, tank tops (Girls no hooting!!), people still had this theory that the jocks muscular development is usually inversely proportional to the mental progression. Anyway, Jur was sentenced to 3 years in juvenile hall caused by the DENR due to his socks, which contributed to the depletion of the ozone layer.

12. Rouella (cruella): Following the steps of Miriam Defensor, Ella now eats death threats for breakfast. She dares senators into duels and called the president a big, fat fly. Was hailed by a local magazine to be “Woman War Freak of the Year” and was elected unanimously to be part of the military jurta by the people.

13. Reah (Reyah): Learned too late what she was missing. Died of diabetes at the age of 21. Oh, wait! She was kinda good to me. Ok, I’ll let her live. Rhea survived the operation but due to her calorie intake, she no longer possesses the figure she had before especially now that she discovered there was another gender called “male”. She’s stuck eating green, leafy grass and drinking bland milk.

14. Jeanie (genie): Took the Rorschach inkblot test where the psychologist lets one interpret blotches to determine the state of one’s mind. Jeanie learned that she had a trauma when she was a child. She never had pink socks, it made her feel bad that she no longer cared to continue her psychomotor development. She was a total wreck and all she thought about was the pink socks she never had.

15. Jotie (jutay): Was censored by the MTRCB due to his illicit sketches of naked women. He fought by justifying that it was an art. MTRCB reconsidered his plea and also censored the classical art works of ancient Greece and the Great Romans which involved art with frontal nudity. The statues of Michael Angelo were confiscated and the paintings of Rafael were burned to ashes. The UP oblation was also torn down.

16. AJ (aj): Realized that his excessive admission to growth balls has caused his inefficiency to eliminate body odor. AJ now is subject to experiment by deodorant companies where he is being subjected to a lot of chemical exposure far more deadly than chemotherapy just to solve his problem. In doing so, he is earning tons of bucks since scientists secretly believe that in a couple of weeks he would grow an extra arm or two due to too much exposure to radiation.

17. James (jamo): Became highly intellectual. His perpetual visit to the library and usage of the computer named him “The Best Bachelor of the Month Award.” He attends scientific meetings now and then where he debates on Semantics and uses terms such as “pro-active interface”, “paradigm”, and leverage”. And uses sentences such as “The marginal utility is negative.” Scary, don’t you think?

18. Brenel (Parapapampam) No longer found the challenge he gets in track and field, he decided to join another race track. Presently he is now contending for the championship round in a horse race. He has gained enthusiasm as he was able to discover the excitement again in competing with worthy opponents. Pom, I’ll be betting on you.

19. Paler (Palest): With his obsession to be the world’s richest man, Jun-Jun has resolved into a lot of extreme measures. Excluding hard work, he presented himself to the Zobel de Ayala family and told them that a nurse switched babies absent-mindedly and that he was the switched child. The Zobel clan accepted him. All went well until Florante discontently self-proclaimed that he has royal blood and went to Buckingham to break the news. The Zobel circle was overjoyed to dispose the fomily mutant.

20. Joan (Buccs): A scientist. Her speculation on the specie of cockroaches and profound theories regarding their metabolism pasted her face and reputation in World History. She discovered that if ever the time comes where a nuclear holocaust would take place. these roaches would survive such annihilation due to their immunity to such deadly-chemicals, so she thought of injecting her DNA to these hugs so that they would hold the evolutionary key to rebuild man again.

21. Marichel (Chenggola): Acquired the inability to pronounce all the vowels in the alphabet, Marich lost her job as an interpreter in the United Nations. It was a relief for the UN because she always had a flair for adding extremely brutish adjectives to what she tries to interpret which, without any doubt, commenced the third World War. She now works with HallMark with a new section of cards — the insult division.

22. Donnel (oca): Now an elite linguist tackling on the issues of Premarital sex and morality degradation in public sites. This fluent fellow ferfectly froduces well fronounced words (oh how I love alliteration). Now works as a highly-faid, I mean, paid English teacher in “Together.” Works part-time as an announcer in DXXX.

23. Ada (yipiyai yeh!!! ihai!): Ada, with her very slim figure, was able to pull through as an aristocratic model in Paris working in the lines of Girhaud, Klein, Mizrahi and Givenchy. Unluckily, Felicia, in one of her columns, fabricated a conspiracy which led the majority to redefine what is beautiful — which is now pertaining to large, strrong women portraying force, power yet with grace. Ada, yes, has Grace, yet lacks the force to go with her. She now poses for calendars promoting second-hand Volkswagens.

24. Bryan (Bra yan!): Mentally injured when he learned that he wasn’t getting enough Phytochemical in his daily diet. After years of rehab, he searched for Raquel, his old chef friend and physically forced her to include Del Monte pineapple juice in all his recipes.

25. Christopher (Christa Fur): His obsession with Mari Mar, a Mexican soap opera rendered in colloquial Tagalog, directed him to be a talent scout searching for the perfect look-alike. He plans on recreating the whole Mari Mar series only with a Subanon background. He also works on a TV hit sequence “HARMED” where he presents in all its glory the secrets behind the land of Siquijor.

25. Jason (dalarasata): Ended up as a monastery monk high up in the mountains, teaches the subject Filipino in utmost enthusiasm and deciphers the Philippine hieroglyphs (alibata) flawlessly. Received the Pulitzer award in his discovery that aliens carved the Banaue Rice terraces.

27. Jenilee (hansons): A successful nurse specializing in child delivery without the use of anesthetics. She firmly believes that what is natural is always the best for pregnant mothers. She now has her own hospital high up in the Himalayas. She also does painful caesarian.

28. Deux (du): A highly-paid actress in Hollywood. At the moment she just spectacled the preview of her latest film “Cinderella and the Seven dwarfs” where she portrayed the role of a modern day woman who finds love through the basis of her foot size. She also starred in other blockbuster movies such as “Basic In Stink,” “Clue-ful” and “Romeo and Julie Yap.”

29. Roy (clark kent): A talented artist who now owns his own art gallery where he delineates all sorts of pieces. He works part-time as the painter of Plaza 1 and 2 where he exhales his great creativity as an impressionist.

30. Lersan (del mundo de mars): An accomplished astronaut send to outer space to search for the answer as to why the moon has craters. After years of exploration, he conduded that it was the massive intake of oil that the moon produces these craters. He suggested thc application of Exraderm 1, 2 and 3 over the moon’s surfaces.

31. KatrinaM (marine biologist): A marine biologist (duh) saving the whales and preserving the ocean from pollution. Her only downfall is her worship to Captain Planet which she plays tribute to by singing the theme song from the cartoons over and over and over. She’s now stuck in a loony bin.

32. Marc (soria no): An augustinian priest, a holy missionary. Marc now serves the Vatican with utmost loyalty. He is so good that he was killed due to the lack of new saints. He was beatified two days after he was to be hailed as Pope.

33. Lindamor (linda): Proved that Theorem 3-1 was an error. She firmly believes that a line is a set of finite points, not indefinite points. She claims that she was able to count the points in a line. Math experts reconsidered the possibility of redefining the theorem.

34. Ilynne (Eye lean): Realizing her physical potentials, Ilynne contended for the Miss Universe beauty pageant and won 1st Runner-up. Was promoted to Miss Universe not longer than 2 weeks after the competition due to her devious plan to impregnate the latter Miss Namibia.

35. Elma (El Ma): A successful career woman who believes that she invented post-its. She was charged of plagiarism, so she renamed her invention as “plaster-its.” With her sharp wit and pretty face, she was able to promote her product as a commercial model but unluckily her commercial plays on the Chinese channel. But still she was pretty and successful.

36. Carmi (mArtin): This young woman is now being diagnosed by a psychoanalyst, helping her to trace back the roots to why she is always on panic. Due to too much therapy, part of her medulla was damaged and now fails to reply to stimuli.

37. Viejay (vj): With her usual warm acquaintance with the media, Valery got a job where she can be seen by hundreds of people daily in movies. She now plasters her pearly whites as she prompts people in the movie house to stand up before the movie starts and all together sing the National anthem. Handa Awit!

38. Trish (ostrish): Works in a multi-national corporation underground where she monitors the black market very cleverly with her incomparable wit. Has the mob at her side and could dominate the world if she pleases to.

39. Aeneas (hyenas): Is a foley artist working for TRISTAR picture. He now creates spectacular sound effects as that we hear from the modern movie.

40. Pei (pay): See Trish. Anyway this Chinese guy is now taking his Masteral in El Camino para na Cielo University where he majors in Gameboy and Play Station.

41. Cocoy (coren) 42. Marco (snork) and 43. Austine (autine): These eligible young bachelors proceeded into the field of Medicine where their forte is in mouth-to-mouth RECITATION. They were so good until one stopped believing that there is a word toothbrush. Their medical empire trampled down due to this. They now practice abortion somewhere in the dark realms of Sucabon.

44. Laude (frie da dyk): Was kicked out of the PMA because he was over-qualified. He was suspected to be part of a scheme brewed by international terrorists to overtake the Philippine grounds.

45. Glen (glennox): An elocution trainor who teaches the people who dubbed Mari Mar to speak perfect English.

46. Cito (darunding): Become the world’s greatest Tennis champion not to mention good-looking. Was hailed to be the highest paid athlete in the World. (Cit, pay me later!)

47. Felices (pascua con ustedes): Manages a band specializing in funeral marches and death parades.

As for the author of this literary piece, he is out somewhere and is not crazy enough to reveal his location. But if ever his body is found floating in some nearby river, you now have a list of suspects.