This is a very personal diary entry which I wasn’t sure I should put on this very public blog, but I have decided to do so because it might help others who are going through the same struggle.
I have a good life. I have a good paying job and can afford a decent roof over my head, delicious meals to fill my tummies, good entertainment, travel, etc.
What more do I need?
Yet I got depressed recently.
I’m not sure where it came from. But suddenly, I didn’t enjoy life anymore. I acted like I was fine when I was around other people, but when I was by myself, I always ended up being enveloped in a sense of emptiness that sometimes had me sobbing, for no discernible reason.
Life suddenly seemed pointless. I found it hard to care for anything. I just went through my actions on autopilot.
I hated leaving my bedroom and lost the passion for everything I once liked to do, like blogging or going out. If people asked me to go out, I would sometimes force myself to go, but other times I invented some excuse and preferred locking myself up in my room and doing brainless activity like watching Netflix, scrolling through social media, or just staring at the walls, at nothing. I couldn’t even muster the concentration to read a book.
If you know me at all, you know that this is the exact opposite of me. I am supposed to be the girl who hates being cooped up at home and whom you could drag anywhere, anytime, even at the last possible minute. I am the one friends usually describe with the words “energy personified” or “zest for life.”
All my energy and zest and passion, all the essence of being me, had disappeared and I wasn’t sure where or why or how.
I realized there was something really wrong when I began to have trouble sleeping. I would toss and turn in bed for hours, trying to fall asleep, but nothing. I would finally manage to fall asleep, only to wake up in the middle of the night and take hours to fall back asleep.
I began to worry that I may have clinical depression.
Then one day, we decided to watch X-Men: Apocalypse, and I began to feel something again, when I saw Charles Xavier. I liked this non-dead feeling, so I decided to chase it by rewatching the first 2 movies in the series.
Charles in Days of Future Past was nothing like the Charles I fell for in First Class and Apocalypse. He was angry and depressed, a recluse who stayed boarded up in his home even though he had full use of his legs.
It was like seeing myself, I realized.
Then in a pivotal moment in the film, future Charles talks to past Charles, and tells him:
That’s when I realized why I was depressed. I had lost hope.
Like Charles, I need to hope again, because once you lose hope, then life has no sense, no purpose.
So thank you, Charles, for snapping me out of my depression.