Dear Team Spirit,
Today I’m finally strong enough to write this without bursting into tears.
I’ve been digging into my blog and diary archives lately, looking at posts from our golden era – our early twenties which we spent as housemates in Makati.
I found an old entry from October 2007 which said:
Since we did not push through, I made plans with Zenie instead. We had dinner at Mongolian Pit Stop in Waltermart where I had a bowl of their mixed veggies and meat with spicy sauce.
After dinner we rode a jeep to Landmark where we shopped for clothes. Then I got the idea of getting a haircut because I did not like my damaged strands.
So off we went to Bench Fix salon, and while on the escalator, Nald saw and joined us, and the three of us got haircuts together. So now my hair’s really short.
After that, we headed to Glorietta 4 to watch the movie Stardust. It turned out to be really great movie! There were funny and touching and romantic scenes. It was a fantasy love story based on a novel. Suddenly I want to find that book and read it.
It’s such a mundane slice of life entry, yet I treasure it so much because I no longer have that memory. At all. It’s perhaps both a curse and a gift that we can’t keep all our memories.
But what memories of you do I actually still have? Let me list some random ones that I could think of, before I lose them, too.
1. You asked me and Tupe to meet you in Chowking shortly before college graduation. You had asked us – your self appointed “Vale’s support” – to help you go over your valedictorian speech. Whatever we ate was your treat, of course. You were always so generous with your treats, even if you were not asking any favors.
2. In college, you teased me about something outside our classroom. I forgot what it was about but I got so pikon that I threw a bunch of keys in your general direction. I did not expect them to hit you in the head. We were both shocked. You would tease me about this moment for months afterwards.
3. You, Tupe and I were eating Jollibee at Mindpro’s second floor food court when suddenly, a bunch of people started yelling and running down the stairs, from the top floor all the way to the ground. A bomb had exploded a few weeks earlier, so the fear was still palpable. We stood up and huddled together, but decided not to run because we did not want to risk being stampeded on and also, I did not want to abandon my precious expensive Jollibee meal in case it was a false alarm. It turned out to be an overreaction to a fight and not a bomb, so we went back to eating after that.
4. Gay, Zenie, and I impulsively decided to fly to Makati to try and apply for a job in KPMG. You and Chu picked us up at the airport and brought us to your boarding house. Later, we had dinner at a carenderia. We were not used to the price of the meal because it was more expensive than in ZC. So I ordered half ulam and half rice. You looked incredulous as you said, “Gusto mo bang umuwi sa Zamboanga na half ka na lang?”
5. You got a job offer and handed us the contract to look over. Maya and I laughed when we found a clause that specifically mentioned that one of your benefits is a birthday cake.
6. We were grocery shopping somewhere… maybe it was Makati, maybe Zamboanga. The shop’s speakers started playing a catchy song, so you started dancing. I laughed. Then I joined you.
7. In college, you were hospitalized, so some of us visited you. I sat beside you on your bed and you suddenly started hitting me hard on my arm. Turns out I had sat on your IV drip, which really hurt you.
8. I flew to Manila from Singapore and met up with you and the other housemates still in Manila that time. While walking through a dark street, a stranger suddenly showed up out of nowhere. Maya and I instinctively jumped behind you for protection.
9. After I had a missend mishap and broke up with an ex boyfriend, my landline rang. It was you. You said you heard I broke up with him and I was shocked because it had been literally minutes. Turns out he had told you. You asked me why, and when I wouldn’t tell you the truth, you guessed it anyway. Years later, you would tease me about not remembering this guy’s surname. If you’re in heaven can you do me a favor and let me know what it is? Just so I can have closure.
10. Our English debate teacher Sir Invierno picked the two of us to represent our class for the interdepartmental Col Salipsip debate. We ended up being champions. This was also when we started calling each other “team spirit.” The nickname stuck for 21 years. Your last message to me – a birthday greeting – had that term of endearment.
I will forever regret that I did not follow up with you after you said that you had a fever, because that seems to have been the start of the illness that eventually killed you.
In our Facebook history, I saw that you once asked me: “What’s your greatest WHAT IF?”
This moment right here. This is the answer.
Last Friday, I dropped by Angels, a Filipino restaurant, to buy barbecued pork and tender juicy hotdogs, which remind me of our college Ateneo fiesta. While there, I realized that the song blaring over the speakers was one of Gary Valenciano’s classic hits.
🎶 Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart. To lean not on my own understanding. I just forget you won’t give me what I can’t bear. Take me out of the dark, my lord. I don’t wanna be there. 🎶
That line happens to be one of my fave verses from the bible. It was the perfect reminder for the moment.
Last Saturday, I went to a pre-scheduled eyelash perming session. As I leaned back and closed my eyes, I fell into a nap, and in that brief window, I dreamed of you. I don’t even remember what happened in it, just that you were still alive and had not died at all, like a slice of life from the past.
When I woke up, I was comforted.
Friends said maybe it was you just saying hi, letting me know that you’re okay.
Science guys would probably say that it was just my subconscious mind trying to bring you back. And maybe they’re right.
But just for this moment, I’ll choose to believe that it was you, that you’re okay. And that I’ll see you again someday.
Always and forever, your team spirit
P.S. By the way, Tupe came up with an idea to honor you. We’re meeting this weekend to discuss how to put up a Ronald Roz memorial scholarship.
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