Madam Hutagarru and Chuck Norris

On new year’s eve, someone asked me what to wear for new year. I told him, “Madam Hutagarru said that if you wear the colors of the rainbow prism, it will bring you luck for the new decade.” I waited for him to ask who she is so that I could tell him that she was completely made up, but he didn’t. He just believed me!  Later on, I pretended to be her and made “predictions” from cards. We found it so funny that from then on, whenever we did something, we would say that doing that represented so-and-so according to Madam Hutagarru. Like last night, a pink dress fell off somebody’s laundry pole on the flat above us and landed on ours. What did that mean, Ervyn asked. I said it meant that a lady would fall for him this year, according to Madam H. Madam Hutagarru knows everything. She is to us what Chuck Norris jokes are to the rest of the world.

In case you didn’t know, Chuck Norris facts are, according to Wikipedia, satirical factoids about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris that have become an Internet phenomenon and as a result have become widespread in popular culture. The facts are normally absurd hyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity.

Here are some examples. The first dozen were picked by the man himself as his favorites. I got them from this site.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.